Awareness is the single most important step to transformation and evolving.
I always felt like there was something that I was missing that I couldn’t seem to grasp when it came to parenting. I felt alone and lost in my journey. I would yell, berate, punish, lecture, then overcompensate because I put myself in a spot where I would marinate in guilt, shame and eventually self-loathing. I hated the person I was becoming. It felt like I was losing myself in this role that I thought I would have control over and be able to accomplish. That’s why I really wanted to start a blog so that other mothers know that they are not alone on this journey. For me, listening to or reading other people’s parenting or even life stories really helped to inspire me and lift me up. Being a mother tests your humanity on so many levels. I knew that I had to step up and make some changes. So my obsession began about two years ago. I became enamored with learning about parenting. I took many many masterclasses, workshops, attended online summits, read several books, listened to tons of podcasts, and took a cognitive child behavior coaching course.
What a dichotomy that parenting can be the best gift you will ever receive, but can also be full of so much responsibility and uncertainty.
Here is what I learned:
Being a parent is not a competition or something that needs to be accomplished. It is about seeing my children from a different perspective, a different lens than the one I have been looking through. There is no manuscript or training manual for parenting. I searched far and wide and I discovered that it is not out there. It can’t exist. Every child is different that requires different needs, and you are a different parent to each child. My daughters are at completely different stages in their lives. They have different needs and challenges, so I must show up differently for each of them to guide them to their differing potentials. I realized that I had to shift my mindset on how I view my daughters. It was about seeing them as whole human beings, not half humans that needed to be fixed and molded by me so they meet my expectations of what I think they should grow up to be like.
Why am I so rigid in my parenting? I really had to sit with and unravel the societal and traditional programming and beliefs that were no longer serving me or my children. I started to confront myself and befriend all these beliefs and emotions that I had ingrained in me. I’ve always hated confrontations. Confrontations make me uncomfortable. The truth is sometimes a hard pill to swallow especially if it’s directed at yourself. Confronting myself as a mother with the way I show up for my daughters took me on the best personal development growth that I never really knew I needed. It forced me to go on this path to own up and overcome my own excuses. Confronting myself completely redefined my view of parenting. I realized that there are other parts in my life that are impacting my parenting that I was not consciously aware of. How can I connect with my kids if I can’t connect with myself?
My doing, my parenting was coming from a place of shame and control, not presence. I was repeating patterns from my childhood and I had no idea. Our past impacts our children. I had to be aware of my own childhood patterns to be able to parent my daughters more consciously. I don’t want to be bashing our parents because they did the best they can with the circumstances and beliefs they were raised in. It is up to me now to try to understand how I learned these behaviors and patterns. Why do I put these pressures and expectations on my daughters and myself? Am I falling victim to societal expectations and generational cycles imbedded in my by my predecessors? These expectations and pressures that make me forget the important things in life, and keep me rigid in my ways. My children are unique beings, they are not my minis, they are their own person. It takes the joy out of today, because all that does to me is put me in a space of an an imaginary future that my kids are not going to be successful in life.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have all this figured out. We don’t hold hands and sing “Kumbaya” with big smiles on our faces. My household is like any other household with children; there’s screaming, crying, yelling, belching and all the loud things that comes with our little humans. I am no longer in a battle with myself because I am learning to understand my conflicts, rather than push them aside or “fix” them. I can now confidently say, without any shame or guilt, that my name is Rana and I am a recovering yellaholic.
I want to raise my daughters to be resilient, grounded, and to become independent from me, not dependent on me. I need to know when to be their leader and when to band together with them and collaborate.
Remember, cultivate compassion, connection, and understanding every single day. Remember that parenting is not a competition, it’s a journey. You’re not alone on this beautiful, evolutionary path. Xo
“What our children need from us is a mirror to their own self-worth”. (Dr.Shefali)