Punishments suck. They suck for our kids and they suck for us to give them. I felt that the punishments I was bestowing onto my daughters were just purges for me where I got to vomit out my frustrations in the heat of the moment. It was a crappy feeling that did not solve the problem in the long-run. They are short-term solutions and they made me feel disconnected from myself and my children.
At the beginning of my parenting journey with my eldest, I would sometimes complain about her “misbehaviors” to family members or close friends seeking some type of advice or maybe insight. I was always met with “tips” on different ways to punish her. They would say things like “If I ever did that or said this, my parents would ground me, spank me, berate me, and look I turned out fine. You should ground her or take this or that away.” Even though it was this innate knowing that punishments were not the only answer, I listened to them because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have the knowledge or awareness to do things differently than the “traditional parenting” style. So, after enriching myself with the knowledge on punishments and discipline and applying it in my home, the dynamic between my daughters and I changed.
Here is what I learned:
Stop judging my children!
They are not broken, and there is nothing wrong with them. They are just living in the present moment and being children. It is up to us as adults to teach and help them navigate their emotions rather than shame and berate them for having them.
And guess what?
Our children’s pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed until their mid to late twenties.
What does this mean?
They are not broken, and there is nothing wrong with them. They are just living in the present moment and being children. It is up to us as adults to teach and help them navigate their emotions rather than shame and berate them for having them.
What is the pre-frontal cortex responsible for?
An article posted in (journeytocollege.mo.gov) states that “The development of the pre-frontal cortex of the frontal lobe allows us to process the pros and cons of a decision before it is made. “It lets us do things most animals cannot,” explains Dr.Stanislaus. “Decision making, logical thinking, reasoning – all those things happen because of the frontal lobe.” Dr. Stanislaus further explains “Because the pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed, kids are not thinking about the consequences of their actions because they are enjoying the experience.”
So, what is the difference between punishing and disciplining?
Punishments aim to make a child feel bad, forces dominion, and frankly, is a way to get revenge. If you really think about it, when you punish, it usually comes from a place of intense reactivity and a need to impose control. It inflicts shame and all it teaches them to do is to make choices based on fear instead of accountability. Punishing can exhibit resentment in our children, and damage their self-esteem.
Discipline stems from the Greek word leading, teaching, collaborating, modeling, and mentoring. Disciplining is actually aimed at teaching a child to learn to accept responsibility for their actions and develop self-control in the future. It is not punishing or creating obedience, it is leading our children.
The word discipline gets a bad rep, because it is correlated with the “traditional Parenting” style that uses punishments, yelling, time-outs, etc…
Disciplining is motivated by love and mentoring.
Punishments are motivated by fear, your own fear of losing control and things not playing out how you imagined.
We adults can say and do some not-so-nice-things and name it “teaching them a lesson”. Does it really teach them anything? It will definitely teach them to make decisions from a place of fear. Don’t we want to be teaching them to empower themselves to make good choices even when others are not looking?
Let’s think about the last time you punished or tried to discipline your child. Ask yourself, did you do it to teach them or did you do it in the heat of the moment out of anger? Did your effort hold them accountable? Or did your effort hold them to an unreasonable standard that you know will cause resentment and disconnect between you and your child?
Think of your body language and tone of voice. If your tone, body language, or language you use is communicated or conveyed as revulsion or disgust, you’re definitely using a punishment and not disciplining. If you blow up or have a fit and are speaking from that place, you are now punishing. This is a big one for me; If you are embarrassed to tell your friends about how you “managed” your child’s misbehavior, then you can bet your behind that you are punishing.
I feel like it is my responsibility as a mother to not react right away to my daughters’ “misbehaviors”, but rather look inward at myself. My daughters are not responsible for my behaviors or triggers. I am not a victim from my child. If I tell myself this is making me overwhelmed, then I’m playing victim. If I say to myself that I’m making myself overwhelmed, then I can try change it. Acknowledging this helped shift my perspective. My daughters are children. They are not responsible for the way I react. I am responsible for my behaviors.
Looking inward, I asked myself some questions:
Why do I have such a big reaction?
What expectations do I have of my daughters that they are not “living up to”?
Are these expectation necessary?
Does my fear come from societal expectations and the expectations of others?
Am I reacting from a place of fear? What am I afraid of?
What is it about my child’s behavior that has triggered such a big reaction in me?
These are questions that really set in motion my evolving to see my daughters and my parenting from a different perspective. Acknowledging and being self-aware of my reactions and triggers helped me to really comprehend that my daughters are just growing beings. They are not maliciously and deliberately messing up my life!
As parents, we put so much expectations on ourselves and our children.
For me, I had to change my mindset first so I was able to take action from a place where I was able to stay grounded in the moment.
My daughters need boundaries and connection from me. Not berating and punishments.
Boundaries is discipline at its finest. It teaches kids to build new skills. It forges connection with my daughters. It makes me feel like my children and I are looking at a problem together, not me looking at them as the problem.
Boundaries are opportunities to help our children in their early life to build a sturdy brain framework and infrastructure. (More on boundaries in a soon-to-come blog post).
The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. – African Proverb
